1. You are expected to have just the RIGHT amount of hair.
Women, with the exception of Brooke Shields are expected to be non-hairy. This is straightforward. What is NOT straight forward however, is the fact we are expected to have JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF HAIR. You need to find the happy medium between Groucho Marx and Sphynx cats. While being TOTALLY bald down below can make you look like an uncooked chicken, too much can make you look like one of the Jackson 5 with his hands in the air. If you are in the dating game it’s around 15 times harder. You need to find out what your dates feelings are on Muff Mullets extremely subtly, as you don’t want him to know you put out on the first date before he’s paid for your Nandos. You may need to just slip it in quickly, with other questions like speed dating:
‘where do you live?’
‘what do you do for a living?’
‘what are your thoughts on pubic hair?’
‘do you like cheese?’
You will come to have a gorgeous, love hate relationship with your bra. You will watch the clock like a hawk all day at work, counting down the hours until you can come home, take your bra off, cook dinner and drink the whole bottle of wine you bought ‘for the sauce’. Then, when you do finally remove it, you will feel slightly strange and lost, much like when you lose one of the kids in Asda’s
3. Your ‘getting ready’ allowance.
As a lady you will need to be hairless, have nice smelling perfectly straightened or curled hair, be tanned, have the perfect outfit and shoes, not be bloated, need to do your eyebrows, eyelashes, and entire face of make up, have painted nails and smell gorgeous for a night out. The men however, do not appreciate that this does not just ‘happen’ like Clark Kent changing out of his extremely convincing disguise (a pair of glasses) into his superman costume in a phone box. You therefore need to create these changes within one hour.
4. You will become so obsessed by magazines you will spend more on them than food.
For some reason, being ladies means we can’t help being obsessed with women’s magazines. I’ve long thought how on EARTH did I ever live without the AMAZING tips in Pick me up such as ‘make packets of jewellery that colour coordinate with certain outfits and hang them on the hangers so you don’t need to waste time looking for jewellery’. I also do not know how I lived without knowing exactly what Kim and Kanye were doing every second of the day, who Katie Price has married this week and who has slept with who in TOWIE.
5. You will be expected to cook
Yes, properly cook. You will be expected as a lady to be able to cook wonderful meals from scratch from just the 1 egg, tin of salmon, tartar sauce and eye mask you have in your fridge. Also, you are expected to cook while doing another 30 or 40 things such as cleaning, ironing and watching Emmerdale.
6. You are NOT, I repeat NOT allowed to be single.
GOD FORBID you should be having the absolute time of your life and not want a man to ruin it. God forbid you genuinely enjoy the hassle, stress free life of being single and being taken out on dates. This is not acceptable. In society, ladies should be married by 18. Because believe you me if you are single for longer than a month, every single person you know will start asking you ‘when you will get a boyfriend’. Put your own happiness aside, you really do need to get one to please your friends and family. If you don’t they will mark you down as the crazy cat lady, so you should probably start buying some cats.
7. You will wonder why you are the only person on the planet who can’t walk in heels.
You see all the stars gracefully gliding down the carpet in their Jimmy Choo’s, not a stumble, glamorously giving interviews and you think:
‘why cant I do that?’
The minute you put on heels parts of your foot you didn’t even know you had hurt and you start walking like someone on Magaluf weekender whose just down 18 shots of cream cleaner. Come to think of it even your FRIENDS can walk in heels. Even that woman in the nightclub who you are 99% sure is actually a man can. No matter how many times you try it, you end up coming home barefoot, drunk, without the shoes you spent £40 on to wear for an hour and to discard in the toilet bin.
8. You have to look perfect without surgery
Yes, every time a woman’s magazine do a poll, all of the men vote that they like the ‘natural’ look and think surgery is fake. However, can I just ask you when the last time was that you saw a Peter Andre look-a-like with a small lipped, flat chested woman with more wrinkles than the skirt you want to wear ten seconds before you leave the house? The answer is never. No man wants a Madge from Benidorm look like, but we have to achieve looking perfect 100% naturally.
9. You cant get too drunk
It’s un-ladylike. Men can go out, get hammered, eat a kebab that may possibly not even be meat for human consumption, come home, piss in the wardrobe or on the floor or the dog, but If we have more than 3 glasses of wine and like a bit of a go at ‘Show me love’ when it comes on in the club we are apparently ‘showing ourselves up’.
(see look, even these can walk in their heels)
10. You must pass this information on to future generations.
Lets please stop this practise of telling kids:
‘Yes being a woman is AWESOME’
‘nooooo periods are FUN’
‘Oh giving birth isn’t that bad’
Lets see if they still want to dress up like Snow White when you tell them she actually had to tidy the house, cook seven dinners, not be pissed, look glamorous AND wear heels doing it and not eat any herself in case she got fat.