10 things Mums say (and what to say back):
1. ”You must of needed it”
You got in at 6am from Ministry and slept until Monday morning. Instead of being slight PO that she has had to hoover round you and tell everyone else in the house not to enter your room, you wake up expecting a good telling off and all she says is ‘ahh well you must of needed it’. Must have indeed. At 4am Saturday morning I was hiding in the toilet wearing sunglasses I stole off some guy who I am now avoiding (hence being in the toilet from 4am to 6am and missing the best set of the night). It’s hard work being a funner.
2. ”You’ll catch your death”
For God’s sake. Can you catch death now as well? To be honest I was worrying about the common cold and parasites from all my travels, but death? Is there a vaccination? If I take vitamins will I be less likely to catch it?
3. ”I hope what you are wearing is ironed”
Yes, my Mum actually phoned me once on the way to watch Big Brother being filmed to ask if what I was wearing had been ironed because I would be on TV. After putting the phone down the thought hit me: ‘you’re the one that does the ironing, you tell me?’
4. ”What did your last slave die of?”
She didn’t. She’s living in the cupboard under the stairs. Why do you think my rooms been immaculate and I’ve been buying extra cat food?
5. ”Was you born in a barn?”
I still don’t get this one? No I wasn’t born in a barn Mum, and you, of all people, should of been aware of your surroundings while you were pushing me out of your vagina. If I WERE born in a barn I am sure you would of noticed the midwife was actually a farmer.
6. ”Because I said so”.
Ohhh because you SAID so. Sorry, I didn’t realise you had SAID so. If you had of said you had SAID so, I would of definitely done this thing you want me to do that I deem utterly pointless. You only had to say.
7. ”Am I talking to a brick wall?”
You might be. When was your last eye test?
8. ”You would forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on”.
Dismissing your slender grasp on the human anatomy let’s also look at the fact if I were headless I would be dead. So with that and catching my death I may as well give up now!
9. ”I’m not made of money”.
Well do you want to tell the cats that then because they seem to eat better than me?
10. ”Eat your vegetables”.
Why, so I can walk round like you and Dad farting so badly I’m never sure if I have actually shit myself or not? No thank you. I’ll eat rubbish and take vitamins. Lets face it catching my death and losing my head in Asda will get me before my vitamin D deficiency.