8 Things no one tells you about Ibiza

1. They have started letting foot shufflers and chavs in.

One time en route to Ibiza I had my hat checked for a bomb, so why they cannot be more stringent with tracksuits and box hats I do not know. Bored of all the excitement of Malia and looking for their fix of ‘Aaaaaas Music’, chavs now unfortunately come in their droves to foot shuffle and drink Bellinis. Thank the lord they still haven’t caught on that the opening and closing parties are the best time to go and still go in the height of August like total newcomers.

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2. You WONT get a tan.

Well that’s not to say you wont catch the sun while raving away on Bora Bora to an impromptu set by Carl Cox, but after having 3 hrs proper sleep in a week and living off Burger Kings you have got at 8am, you are not going to have a radiant glow when you step out at Stansted.

If you do, you are doing it wrong.

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3. You wont remember what your room looks like.

One, because every room in Ibiza from a certain price range looks the same (Wooden furniture, blue shower tiles, balcony with broken chair, white ashtrays), and two because you will not be in it often, and when you are in it, it probably wont register. If you are sober enough to remember your room, my advice is to savour it so you always know the name of one hotel without cockroaches.

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4. There is sod all to do at the airport.

Especially after a certain time. For an island that is buzzing 24/7 the airport certainly is not. The only place in the airport that seems to be open late is yes, you guessed it, Burger King. So if you are not partial for a Whopper, make sure you take some alcohol and are prepared for a long game of ‘I spy’.

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5. You might get knocked out by the wheel of an Airbus on Bora Bora beach.

I’ve seen so many write ups glamming up the planes flying over Bora Bora beach by saying people wave and ‘welcome new party goers’. The fact is, people shit themselves because if a bit of that plane falls off they are going to be comatose hours before planned.

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6. Hotel receptionists will be completely used to you.

So no matter how hilarious you find it to go down at 5.30am and ask for a CD player (and batteries) because you absolutely have to listen to some music right now, chances are the receptionist has spent all season/years listening to requests from similar dickheads and will not give you the shocked reaction you anticipate. Or the CD player.

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7. There are some bars that actually play ‘We no speak Americano’.

I heard a story once about a girl who did a season in Ibiza and didn’t even go to any of the clubs. Yes, the chavs and foot shufflers from number 1 will be happy enough in a bar playing terrible music with a fish bowl. if they do venture to Space, you will see them in a corner close to tears wondering why the clicks and sawtooths they are hearing do not in any way resemble MK’s latest ‘banger’.

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8. You will be pressured to buy an Indian head Massage in Privilege.

Turning the woman away, you will be shocked someone wants you to part with your drink money for such a stupid cause. Lo and behold, when the nice woman comes back 2 hours later, not only are you willing to fork out the 40 euros but you giver her a 20 euro tip and ask her how she got into Indian head massaging and tell her you have always wanted to go to India.

And that head massage ends up being the best thing in your life ever at that moment in time.

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