10 things no one tells you about holidays….

1. You WILL forget your phone charger or hairbrush.

Then, you will realize it’s ok because Spain/Turkey/Greece does actually have shops. But you will get smacked up the arse for about 70 euro for an Iphone charger that looks like it was made in the kids club.

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2. The airport is boring.

Yes unfortunately, after making yourself smell like a whores handbag at the perfume bit of duty free and ultimately only coming out with a giant Toblerone, there really is little else to do. If you are a nervous flyer like me, you can always use said pretence to get terribly drunk and chance getting on the plane or being forcefully removed from the airport.

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3. No. The room DOESNT look like the pictures.

Yes, in the brochure the sun will obviously be gleaming down on a spotless pool which looks like a tropical oasis. What do you think the hotel REALLY looks like. Seriously, we love in a world where you can find out enough information on a subject in 20 minutes to do a degree on it. Just have a butchers on Trip Advisor. You might get a cheap deal, but is it really worth it if your accommodation is less luxurious than Guantanamo Bay?

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4. Nothing is open.

Well done again on that cheap deal. Not so much well done on the fact it’s out of season and fuck all is open apart from one weird restaurant which you keep having to go to where you feel the owner may or may not kill you and eat you. You cant even spend the day relaxing in the pool, because its not filled up, so instead you have to swim in the freezing cold sea like you are training for a channel swim.

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5. None of the stuff you bought at ‘holiday shopping’ will fit you.

The flip flops will also cut your feet to shreds. Yes, you should of tried it all on, washed it and ironed it then packed it like your ultra organized Mum does. But there was so little time after getting your legs waxed and getting the best deal on your travel money. So after being within an inch of your suitcase weight, you spend the entire holiday in one mis-matched bikini and a pair of shorts you bought for bed.

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6. Cheap deal on your flight = hand luggage only.

Which you didn’t look at until the day before and are now trying in vain to fit all the clothes that don’t fit you in the travel bag you got as a free gift when you last ordered something from the catalogue. You also need to decide how important the plasters and mosquito repellent REALLY are.

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7. Your travel money will cost you an absolute fortune.

Because you really don’t understand the exchange rates and charges. No one does. For all you know you could be entitled to way more Turkish Lira, but you haven’t had a chance to check the rates because you have been too busy trying to fit your clothes that don’t fit you into your hand luggage bag.

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8. There is no wifi.

Beware of hotels that say ‘internet access’, as this means they will have one solo computer plugged into a dial up installed in 1999. If the hotel has no internet access then you can’t update your Facebook and Instagram every 5 seconds to show the world how much fun you are having, then there really is no point to the holiday.

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9. No one wants to see your photos.

Especially if you are one of those arseholes that takes 56 pictures of the same thing. Really interesting rock mate. Have you got any rum?

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10. The Facebook countdown will be more exciting than the holiday.

Bless you for being so excited you only have 450 days until Malia, but when you do get there you will all have a drunk row, two people will go home early, someone will be hospitalized and you will all come back skint, with shit tattoos.

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