1. The toothpaste running out.
In the morning, I mean properly first thing, our little brains are equipped to do no more than go through the motions of becoming presentable for work, weeing and watching the clock on Good Morning Britain with trepidation. So of course, it is always at this time when the toothpaste we have feared coming to an end for 3 or 4 days completely runs out.
2. Stubbing your toe.
If you are a perpetual accident waiting to happen like me, your toes will be hardened to even the most grisly stubs by now. For a normal person, stubbing your toe is every bit as excruciating as childbirth. No matter how careful you are or how much you look, it seems someone sneaks into your home and moves the bed over just a half inch, so you are constantly looking for obstacles like a real life version of Crash Bandicoot.
3. Cash Machine not working.
If you see a cash machine, think ‘oh getting an extra £20 out wont hurt’, and you are about to pass 65 other cash machines, your money will shoot out faster than a bullet leaves a gun. If you have absolutely no cash on you, the chip in your card is a bit dodgy, and you need money for lunch, the cash machine will be broken to various degree’s. Sods law.
4. One eyebrow coming out better than the other.
Every girl can relate to this daily mishap. You do one eyebrow, and you look like Shakira and Jennifer Lopez’s lovechild who has been airbrushed and just stepped on the red carpet. When you come to the next eyebrow, your hand shakes with the nerves of competing with the expectation of the previous eyebrow, and you end up making it look like the bigger ones younger sister following it because it wont let her play.
5. Opening a yoghurt pot.
Along with gravity, one of the fundamental laws of the universe is that if you open a yoghurt pot it WILL splatter all over you. You can open it slowly, quickly, sideways, front ways, whatever. Your tops in for it.
6. Bin juice.
Why is it, that you ALWAYS seem to get bin juice? Not matter how dry the things you put in the bin are, you get bin juice regardless. In fact, I’m almost positive we get bin juice from our recycling bin. Don’t even get me started on how much I hate food bins. I’ve actually made a conscious effort to eat every morsel put in front of me so I do not have to use mine. Well, that’s my excuse anyway.
7. Sunglasses on, Sunglasses off.
This follows the great English weather pattern of sun in sun out sun in sun out rain sun in sun out rain. My sunglasses have been up and down today more than a hookers thong.
8. Slow Walkers.
Actually please, walk slower. Because I haven’t got an appointment, family member, job to get to. There’s nothing I enjoy more than crawling along at a snails pace behind someone who looks like one more fresh cream cake might make them keel over. I like it even more when people who are absolute helmets stop dead in doorways or getting off the bus. You all deserve a medal.
9. Flat hair.
You’ve slept with your heated rollers in, used every product Boot’s sell and ensured you step out of the door looking like the international superstar you are in your head when you sing ‘Someone Like You’ into your hairbrush in the mirror. Albeit, as soon as the elements like wind, or just ANY air get to it, it looks like a flat, frizzy mess. Better start investing in some cool hats.
10. Hearing the neighbours life story.
Because bless their little hearts, they just don’t get that that 4ft wooden fence isn’t sound proof. This means you can treat yourself to a delightful 40 minutes of the woman moaning at the husband because he has got himself too drunk watching the World Cup Final, eventually locking him outside so he can proceed to throw up in surround sound in the garden.
11. Not being able to find a pen.
All you need to do is write one number, or a little tick, but every bastard pen you have ever had has grown legs and run off to pen island. If you don’t believe this is where they all end up, Google ‘Pen Island’ and let me know how you get on.
12. The same song being on every radio station in the northern hemisphere.
I liked Clean Bandit and Jess Glynne ‘Rather Be’ as much as the next person, but it being on rotation with two other songs (How will I know and Living on a Prayer, naturally) can get a bit tedious. Of course, the work radio never gets any good pirate radio stations so you can make your customers listen to some mental drum n bass at 9am.
If traffic is going to be REALLY bad, it will 100% be either on a Friday night when there is a nice cold bottle of wine waiting for you, on the way to the airport, or the ONE day something important is going on at work and you need to be there. The best thing to do in traffic is to beep really loudly and swear at everyone. This clears in instantly.
14. Noticing there’s no toilet roll when you have already been.
Don’t try and say it’s never happened to you.