The Beaches are still empty
Unfortunately, everyone who lives in the UK has the terrible habit of deciding to flock to the beach as soon as it gets to 8 degrees. If you dwell in Essex, your local beach will probably be Southend on Sea, or, if you really don’t have standards, Canvey. Despite the fact that the sand could probably give you Ebola, as soon as those rays hit everyone simply HAS to go there for an ice cream or to swim in the questionably un-hygienic sea. One way to be absolutely sure it still isn’t summer is to check the local beach and see if it is just the stray carrier bags hitting the sand. If that is the case, COLLECT THEM QUICK< THEY ARE WORTH 5p EACH!
Having the heating on in May
I’ve made peace in the last few years with the fact that, until I win the lottery we have to live in this sun barren chav-land we call the UK. One thing I’m simply speechless at however is having to have my heating on in May. Apps like time hop don’t help matters, when this time last year you were cruising down yes, you guessed it, Southend on Sea, and this year you are in bed with a hot water bottle fighting the sniffles wondering if it can only really be a few weeks until the kids break up. It’s not the COST, it’s the principle.
No shorts in sight
Another great talent everyone in the UK seems to have, is becoming slightly over-enthusiastic when it comes to summer attire. I have god honestly been to town once when it was around 5 degrees, but sunny, and a girl had on a crop top and mini skirt. Now each to their own, but having not seen any pale legs and minging feet is a sure fire way to tell summer isn’t actually upon us yet.
Anyone who knows me, knows I hate Winter. Much like it’s rumoured that you can’t look Mariah Carey in the eye, everyone that knows me knows not to talk about how cold it is. So it may surprise everyone that there is one thing I love about Winter. No bugs! Sure sign it hasn’t warmed up yet, as usually by this point of the year, we would have all experienced at least one elusive mosquito that buzzes around our heads at night making us wonder whether to get up or brave it and look like a pin cushion the next morning. If there’s one thing I hate more than emu’s and accordians, it’s creepy crawlies, so at least there’s a benefit to the weather still being in ‘November mode’. You may think I’m cruel, but my outlook is if God didn’t want people to dislike bugs, he’d make them look really cute, like fluffy kittens.
The Winter wardrobe is still out
If I were rich, every spring time I would ceremoniously burn my Winter wardrobe in my wood burner and forget it was ever needed. Unfortunately I’m not, so I just chuck it in the loft. This year has been so cold though, I’ve actually needed to utilize my shit jumper collection in APRIL. Not only is this horrendous for everyone that needs to see me in said shit jumper, it’s also not very productive at all.
You haven’t been to the Farm/Zoo/ A Theme Park yet
Everyone knows as soon as the weather gets warm, the days out start racking up. You know for a fact the reason you haven’t been on a rollercoaster that makes you want to vom or seen a baboon eat it’s own poo yet is purely because of the weather. The only plus side to this situation, is that it looks like you will have a few more weeks to collect those Nectar points.
Your alcohol intake is sufficiently lower than this time last year
For me, if there’s one thing I love about Summer and Christmas, it’s that you can get as drunk as you want without anyone moaning at you. Drinking a prosecco at 7am? Sorry, it’s Christmas. Doing a Jager at 11am? Sorry, it’s a BBQ. One other reason aside from the actual coldness I have noticed it isn’t exactly summer yet is the fact that my bottle bin appears to be a lot emptier than it was last year. There has been a sufficient lack of nights where I sit drinking wine and burning things, and that definitely makes me sad.