I try my hardest not to be a moaner, I really do. Well. That’s probably a lie, but in my head, I wake up every day and think ‘right be positive’, then undoubtedly some imbecile will take an hour in the queue before me in the shop or try and invade my personal space so much I’m actually left wondering if they are trying to get in my pocket.
I’m sure people don’t MEAN to be annoying, I really am, however there are some things people say that really get my goat.
“I’m going on holiday”
“Ohhhhh, anywhere nice?”
No Margret, somewhere shit. I looked in the holiday brochure and picked the most shoddy place I could find, called ahead to ensure they have had a few bouts of salmonella in the restaurant this year and refused to go unless the pool was minus temperatures.
Of course I’m going somewhere nice, that’s the point of a bloody holiday. If I wanted to be in miserable I’d have a week off and stay in the Basildon campanile drinking Lambrini from the Asda across the road.
“I’ve lost my keys/phone/horse”
“Where was the last place you had it?”
If I knew that, it wouldn’t be lost would it? Seriously, I know you are only trying to be helpful, but if I knew the last place I had said lost item I would go and get it. Sometimes, silence is better than just making noise for the sake of it.
“I don’t want kids”
“Oh, you’ll change your mind”
Will I Debbie? WILL I? Currently I’m happy with the arrangement that a few of my close mates have kids, and I can get all of the enriching experiences and then promptly hand them back when I’m worn out. I think I know my own mind at 28, and god forbid I should want to make a shit load of money and travel the world.
It makes me wonder if you’d flip the question on people who are absolutely adamant they DO want kids. Would you ask them if they are going to ‘change their mind’?
“I have (insert medical condition)”
“Oh have you tried (insert generic, useless OTC medication)?”
When I had some quite serious stomach problems, I could of slapped at least ten people for asking me if I’d ‘tried Gaviscon’. No, no I haven’t. I’ve seen three doctors, a Consultant, spent four months on codeine, been in A&E, had four blood tests, an Ultrasound and another incredibly invasive test which I won’t go into, but no, no I really hadn’t thought of buying a bottle of Gaviscon before all that.
“It’s close today isn’t it?”
What does that even mean? Its hot guys. Or at best humid. ‘Close’ makes no sense to life. Knock it off.