Let’s be honest, most humans are weirdo’s. Even the ones that are not specifically weirdo’s, still do have a bit of weirdo in them in the form of habits. Some of us have really weird individual habits (mine is putting BBQ sauce on cheese and crackers. Sorry not sorry). But for the most part, there are some things that absolutely EVERYONE does and doesn’t admit to.
Has a clothes chair in their room.
Yes, THE CHAIR. Somehow, Sunday evening your bedroom is a lovely, tidy, fresh bedded Oasis with the lovely candles you bought on the weekend trip to Ikea burning. By Thursday, it looks like a landfill site. One of the main culprits is the chair. Yes THAT chair. The chair that is there for the once or twice a month you’ll actually sit at your desk to do your makeup instead of on the floor with the good light in front of the big mirror. At first, you start by hanging your coat on it, in the misguided belief that it won’t make it messy as you are going to use that coat in the morning. The next thing you know, every item of clothing is on there, half a pack of Doritos and a single shoe, because you can’t find the other one.
People attribute crazy exes the crown of Facebook stalkers, but I think this is genuinely a misrepresentation of the facts. The truth is, EVERYONE Facebook stalks at every opportunity. That bitch who used to work in your office? Facebook stalk. Someone interviewing for a job at your place today? Facebook stalk. The hot barman you met Friday night? Yep, Facebook stalk. In fact, I used to work with two women who were so good at it, I dubbed them the ‘FBI’ (Facebook Investigations Team).
Has a word with themselves while they are drunk in the toilet.
Ahhhh the nightclub toilets. What fabulous places they are. Not only do you meet several girls that you promise to be friends for life with, go on holiday with and move to a flat in the city with, but it is also the place that you take a solitary moment to give yourself a pep talk when you’ve had a few too many. I like to give myself a SERIOUS inspirational chat when I’m in the toilet on a night out. This usually involves me telling myself being sick is a waste of alcohol and asking myself to promise myself not to offend anyone (which rarely works).
Pretends to have read books you’ve never heard of.
This also goes for seeing films. Because sometimes, it’s just easier to nod along rather than explain that you have 3 kids, a pet and a husband that you could swear blind is stuck to the sofa with velcro, and simply haven’t had time to read Gravity’s Rainbow. It can get a little bit hairy when people say what was your favourite bit, but you can usually plod along by saying ‘the end, I really wasn’t expecting it’.
Eats absolutely filthy fast food.
No matter how good you are, there is always that one occasion when you might eat fast food. Even the healthiest person in the world can be lured with a dirty burger after a few drinks. You can’t possibly eat clean all of the time, and the trouble is with this day and age is even stuff that is meant to be healthy usually isn’t. We’ve all met someone who seriously loves the gym but will still eat 60 chicken nuggets ‘for the protein’.
Snapchats random people.
You’re not a malicious person, but darn it sometimes there are things you just need to snapchat. If a lady on the tube looks like she could be Mick Hucknalls Mum, then unfortunately instinct takes over before you know what you are doing and you have shared the joy with your closest friends. I dread to think how many of these I have been subjected to, especially while drunk and being a nightmare.
Skip’s pages when they read the kids a story.
Let’s face it guys, none of us give a fuck about the Gruffalo do they? Between 2 and around 6 is that magical age where the kids are just happy you are tucked up with them reading in the first place, and won’t notice if you miss a page or 7. If you do have a child who picks up on this from a young age, immediately hire them a private tutor and start saving for Oxford or Cambridge, because they are clearly a genius.